吓死人了我竟然写了这么多东西……

I feel a bit confused right now… I just graduated from middle school this summer, which means I'm about to become a high school student. But I'm really scared of high school life… High school academic pressure is really intense, and I’ve already learned a lot about it from social media and talking with classmates and their families. But when I realized that each subject had at least two books to study, I suddenly felt like I had lost the courage to walk into the gate of high school. I use my computer to take online classes every day, but when I sit in front of it, I don't feel like studying at all. I just play the online class videos while opening new tabs to watch other videos. After a whole day, I just feel really anxious, yet I still go on like this the next day. Although my grades aren't bad, they're nothing special, which makes me seem like a discounted clearance item compared to my brother's excellent grades. I've always wanted to prove that I'm not bad, but now I can't even reach the score for the best high school in the city… I really hate the atmosphere at our place too. My dad has always been really impatient, and he can't find the right way to vent, which makes him often take out his anger on me and my brother over little things (I mentioned it once in a comment a few days ago). As for my mom, I feel that her views on some things are quite unreasonable but she's very stubborn. For example, when it comes to using her phone, it's like she has paranoia; she always acts as if seeing me use my phone while she doesn't have hers completely under control is a huge threat. Oh my god, I’m just chatting with friends on WeChat and watching a bit of Bilibili. I haven’t even been playing games yet, okay! I really just don’t understand why she’s so sensitive about phones. And games—she always thinks games are just a capitalist scam and shouldn’t exist at all. I really can’t deal with it. We students are definitely exhausted from classes, homework is never-ending, parents’ nagging and picking at us never stops, grades don’t improve, rankings stay stagnant, but in games, I can relax, have cool skins, and get praised for my skills. Isn’t that way better than staring at textbooks all day?! I like watching anime and listening to music (though I basically don't listen to Chinese songs from the past few years, they’re just too bad), and I'm also trying to learn how to draw manga myself. But my parents have always thought this is pointless. Every time on my way to school I hear my mom say, 'You have to study hard, forget about everything else,' I feel like it would be better to just jump out of the car and die. I've always felt that a song or a line that can touch people's hearts is better than an hour of preaching. Right now, I don't even dare to look at my phone at all, because even though it's in the living room, I just can't stand my parents constantly watching me use it—it's like being in prison. All I can do now is listen to music, opening new tabs to search for songs while attending online classes. This might be the last way I can vent all my negative emotions, right? I have no idea... I've always felt that a song or a line that can touch someone's heart is better than an hour of preaching. Right now, I don't even dare to look at my phone at all, because even though my phone is in the living room, I just can't stand my parents constantly watching me use it—it feels like being in prison. The only thing I can do now is listen to music, opening new tabs to search for songs while attending online classes. This might be the last way I can let out all my negative emotions, I guess? I really have no idea... Earlier, in the last few days of the semester, I played my favorite songs on the school computer in class, and then I danced around like crazy in the classroom (my classmates said I looked possessed). I don't know why I wanted to dance, I just knew that at that moment I was really happy, like a total transformation, my brain had completely stopped thinking. Thinking back now, maybe it was because only in that moment could I finally not care at all about things like 'what I should be doing' or 'what will happen in the future'... （By the way, that day I had just washed my hair and it got completely soaked.） I originally just wanted to vent a little, but after thinking about it, I felt it would be better to ask others for advice, so I ended up writing a lot. Most of my comments are translated using translation I originally just wanted to vent a little, but after thinking about it, I felt it would be better to ask others for advice, so I ended up writing a lot. Most of my comments are translated using translation software, so if some parts don't make sense, there's really nothing I can do. Although maybe no one will even read them anyway... hehe.

I won't forget!! ^^

@yuyumi Thanks for your reply！I thought you forgot… Please remember to go online and reply to me, okay? to go online and reply to me!!!>~<

@diaring-ld It's actually still not my birthday !! But thank you so much this makes me so happy wowwow when the day comes I'll say it here You're very sweet om TT

@yuyumi but I still wanted to say 'happy birthday' to you... sorry.i didn't come to this website yesterday...i was thinking about going online to chat with you early yesterday morning .../_ \

@the tweaker Yeah not yet but who cares about the fees bro Everyones gonna die someday , doesn't matter if they committed or not, what matters is they're now dead and I feel like fees should be the last thing people around that person should be caring about Also I don't think someone whose about to kill themselves would care if that'll bring Pain and stress to others around them

Shibal this world♡

@YuYumi Don't even think about killing yourself. You know how much pain, and stress and a liability it will become for those around you after you die? The fees are insane.

https://files.catbox.moe/shqvtq.jpg

Very boring day. I frankly didn't do much today either. I fixed some cosplay stuff I guess, I started some old personal project again, but it wasn't very notable. Anyone else feel a drifty feeling? P.S. Don't die.

Today was unbelievably boring

@PrinceDraconis12 Oh now that you mentioned my grades aren't good TT They just dropped randomly four years ago ever since then no matter how hard I study I just can't get a good grade It's hard to be optimistic when you're this alone It's way worse when you have a family that seem absolutely depressed and crazy and don't really care about you, just being in the same roof as them makes me uncomfortable sometimes Despite having bad grades I just really really want to leave this country or at least buy a house in my own country far from anyone I know and both of these seem really impossible I feel like smart people in school either have a great family or great friends I don't know how to explain this it's like something is encouraging them and they're not feeling empty everyday But yeah I won't be killing myself and honestly I'm gonna try not to be so negative everyday lol maybe some miracle will happen Thanks for your kind words

mmm life? dreams? man I had a dream last night where I played a video game. I don't have shit going on compared to you guys.

I suppose since everyone here is talking about how their lives are going, I may as well add my voice to the conversation despite the fact I will be significantly less poetic and comparatively lacking in emotional intensity. I have a new job which I've been working at for about a month and a half now. The hours are long which leaves me with little off time. The time I do have is mostly spend working on a number of projects which have been ongoing for some time now. Thus, I am worked to the bone and chronically sleep deprived. At the same time, my living situation is deteriorating and I will need to find a new place within the next few months. In that aspect, anything good must always be accompanied with something bad. I have recently grown very annoyed with The Internet Archive. I noticed just today that a large number of my uploads have been deleted from the archive. This is frustrating since I tend to upload in bulk meaning noticing which of my hundreds of uploads are missing is a very difficult task. In the end, my only recourse is to reupload the files and hope they remain archived this time. While most of the things I upload are files I keep a local copy of, some are not since I do not have a large server to store files on. Some of the removed files are reuploads of content which have been censored or deleted so their removal from the archive is especially frustrating. In any case, these removals simply make me worried about our ability to maintain complete records and archives of history and serve to reinforce my view that all who wish to preserve history or online content maintain personal copies of their files rather than leaving it all to a third party such as The Internet Archive. If you read this far, thank you and I hope you have a good day. I know that my stories do not align as closely with the normal discussions found here, but I still wish offer my perspective on the world and what's happening in it. Once again, have a good day, or at least a moment of calm.